I’m in the 35th week + 4 days of pregnancy, it’s March 24th 2011 and yesterday I felt my baby move for what will be the last time. But I still don’t know. I just know that the night is usually in constant motion, but I didn’t hear it tonight.
I have some errands to run this morning. I think ” Maybe she moved but I didn’t hear her because she was too busy“. In the afternoon when my husband comes home, I tell him that I have not heard the baby. He calls the gynecologist, who says he is not in the hospital, but that there is already a colleague waiting for us. Let’s go in for the ultrasound. . I look at the monitor and I understand immediately. I look at my husband, he too has understood. Wait … I want to be wrong. But the gynecologist tells me “Unfortunately madam, there is no good news.”
My heart freezes. I shake hands with my husband and the doctor tightly. I cry, cry in silence MY JOY …. it was not supposed to be so !!!!. The heart stopped me too at that moment. The looks between my husband and me are just one of disbelief.
The doctor says she needs to hospitalize me.
I say I want to go home first and get my things. Arrived by car I am totally stoned. I cry, I cry and I don’t want to believe it.
I caress my baby bump asking my little princess to … please …. move. Nothing. We arrive home, we are alone, because my children are at a birthday party. The first people I notice are my parents.
My mom and dad all of a sudden look ten years old.
The pain and amazement they have on them has also extinguished a piece of their heart.
At home I stop to look at your things that are ready for you, they have been there for at least a month …. all prepared for the arrival of my little princess. I take them all and throw them out of the suitcase in anger. It had all been thought out and prepared with love and joy, now everything is transformed, now it’s just disbelief, darkness and pain.
Let’s go back to the hospital: there the gynecologist who gave me the ultrasound, my gynecologist and another gynecologist await me, together with an obstetrician. I ask if I can do a caesarean and they all tell me that unfortunately the baby is no longer there, and therefore from this moment on they have to safeguard me, only me. They recommend natural childbirth. I trust them. They give me an antibiotic shot and another I don’t know what. They also tell me that during delivery they can call the anesthetist for morphine so I won’t feel pain.
My brothers-in-law and grandchildren arrive at the hospital. All really saddened. This little girl was already the joy of home. It was imagined by everyone. Right from the start, when we announced to the family that a girl was coming.
My constant thought is Luca. My little big strong man, strong in appearance because inside he is like a lamb. He who, when we told him to wait for a little sister or a little brother, smiled for days and days. He who had recently begun to understand the calendar and had set my due date for birth and was looking forward to the day of his little sister’s birth. He who when we walked into a shop said that this or that thing would be nice for his little sister. He … who when I knitted the cover of Thea complimented me on how good it was. How do I tell him now that this long-awaited little sister is gone. Who flew to the sky?
Luca and Gero return from their birthday party but don’t ask questions. They are good good and ask aunt to open the sofa bed until dad arrives. Joseph stays with me as long as he can. Then he goes home. My mother stays with me. All night we look at each other ….. we cry …. but we don’t say a word. I alone there with my baby still in my lap. To caress her ….. I ask for the greatest miracle of my life …… I ask God to be able to perform the great miracle and make the little girl cry as soon as she is born. To make her heart beat and to be able to grow her. We haven’t slept all night. All night I repeat to myself that things were not supposed to be like this. This was not how I had imagined it all. The worst case scenario to date for me was having to do a caesarean. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE. A caesarean! I was looking at my belly after the last echo made nine days ago. Nine days ago she was there with a strong heart, she moved with all her strength and was placed oblique so maybe I should have done the caesarean and I then told her that she was a bitch and that she had to turn around and get her head right because I didn’t want to do an operation.
But no …. I will do just a natural birth …
The morning of March 25th comes too early. I think of the day that awaits me and I think that my little girl is taking small steps moving away from me more and more.
First his soul goes away ….. then his little body.
The gynecologist comes and tells me to go with him for the first gel application. Make the first application. A nice nurse tells me not to cry ” you’ll see you’ll do another “. Fortunately, the gynecologist on duty scolds her ….. “does it seem the case? the lady still has her daughter in her womb“.
Joseph does not leave my side. We cry together, hold hands, and wait for the contractions to start to be felt. Some weak contraction comes. But remembering my previous deliveries I realize that it has nothing to do with contractions of labor. After 6 hours they call me for the second gel application. The gynecologist, however, tells me that if he does not break the membranes, true labor will not be able to start. Then he breaks the bag, and the visitor’s room is flooded. I go to the room, and I also flood the room. We call the tavern to tell her we need a mop. NOTHING they have none in the ward! What does it bring? some sleepers and have my husband and mother clean everything. She leaves me in the room and tells me to call her when I feel like pushing. With each contraction I lose a fountain of yellow amniotic fluid.
After an hour of contractions, I call the midwife and tell her I want to push.
She visits me and tells me that I am dilated by 5 cm and that it still takes time.
I cry that I want to push. He wants to take me to the labor room all the same, I say I can’t get into the wheelchair and they move me with the bed. I feel the baby’s head. They calmly begin to carry the bed out of the room. I scream, I say that I have to push … the midwife also gets annoyed and says “and push then!”.
Here’s the little body ….. it’s out.
I gave birth to my daughter in the middle of the hall under the covers. If I think about it, I still shiver. Because? Why did they know there was nothing they could do? Why was it lifeless? Didn’t that little girl deserve some dignity? Wasn’t she supposed to be greeted by two hands that took her?
I look at her through Joseph’s embrace as they take her away to wash her. I’m scared. I do not know why. Here it is the little face that I have waited so long to see. Here is the princess. The one I had believed for months and months that she was a boy and the gynecologist, on the other hand, had been wrong and was a beautiful little princess.
It is true. It doesn’t move. He does not open his eyes. He does not cry. He is there but his soul has already flown away. An agony. Where is that look my little men gave me when they were born and we fell in love instantly? All finished.
Giuseppe and I there …. upset …. incredulous that we are not understanding anything of everything that is happening to us. Enter the pediatrician. Pissed off with the gynecologist. ” You haven’t told me anything before” … and they start talking about their business. My lifeless daughter …. and they continue as if it didn’t exist. They give me points. I’ve never seen that morphine …. not even the anesthetist. I felt every pain of childbirth. Each pain multiplied by 1000.
They are about to take me to my room and I ask.
I want to see her.
They want to belittle my request.
They ask “But why?”.
I light up everyone with my eyes and ask to see her. They show it to me in the midwife’s arms.
My little THEA CATERINA. BEAUTIFUL.
He took the most beautiful qualities from each of us. Luca’s curly hair ….. already long. They are thick and black like Gero’s hair. Luca’s nice full cheeks and his upturned nose. Gero’s fleshy, velvet-red mouth. Chin with a small dimple like my husband’s and my long legs! A little angel! It’s perfect. I thought I saw her with some malformation, which she would have seen in her face …. instead she was perfect. Surely the only thing we couldn’t see from his ultrasound was his wings.
Those were missing. The only thing I managed to say was MY JOY.
I regret not having picked her up and not having given her a kiss.
Why didn’t I do it? Why didn’t I take her next to me to smell her and feel her beautiful skin?
Why didn’t I take a picture of her?
Why didn’t they give me these possibilities instead of telling me ….. ” Enough lady it’s better this way ” How? What is better this way? What does it mean? Why didn’t I rebel? Did I see her for a minute? Maybe less? Maybe more? After EIGHT months that I made it grow inside of me ….. now I will never see her again.
Who knows if it will appear in my dreams? Will I see her again? What did she think of me? Maybe she sees me as the hysterical madwoman who screamed at Luca while she was doing her homework and maybe she thought ….. better not to be with someone like that?
At this point I don’t know anything anymore ….. I just know …. that I already miss it.
I miss everything about her …. I miss what it was meant to be and now it can’t be anymore.
They take me to the room …. there are my parents, who are waiting for me with open arms.
My mom wants to see her and they ask the midwife if it’s possible. Still resistances ….
” But why lady ?” ” Because she is my niece and I want to meet her !”. My mother follows the pediatrician, after a while she comes back and tells me they want to baptize her. I say yes. They baptize her and both come back with eyes swollen with tears: they say she is beautiful and perfect. My mother said she touched her forehead and was scolded: ” You mustn’t touch her !”
But who are you, to think you can rule over MY daughter!
My dad looks at me …… and tells me “I was afraid for you”: he bursts into tears.
After having pampered us a bit, I ask Giuseppe to do one more thing before going to remarry. He has to tell Luca and Gero. It so happened that a few days earlier we had bought the gifts that Thea would have brought them to the hospital. I tell him to tell them that unfortunately the little sister had to go to heaven …. but before flying away he wanted to give them gifts. Do as I ask. Gero asks “mom is in heaven too? “poor puppy! Luca doesn’t say anything ….. his face is blanched and for half an hour he doesn’t say a word. He answers in monosyllables because he has a lump in his throat and is about to burst into tears. Giuseppe calls me immediately after. Especially to reassure them that I am really good. Luca only replies yes and no. My poor little man. He was waiting for her with all of himself. Like me! And now we’ve both lost it. NOTHING will be the same.
We spend another sleepless night again thinking about talking about the lips … about the hair … about how perfect it was. Giuseppe arrives early in the morning. She cries seeing me … hugs me and says the sweetest words I’ve ever heard ….. “I’m no longer afraid of death ….. because I know she will be the first thing I’ll see when I die!” He is absolutely right. This is a strange day for us. Just today our little girl will be buried. We will be the ones to bury her. A parent who buries his own child!
It’s hard for me …. but I have to stay another day in the hospital. My husband has to do everything without me. This makes me even sadder. Enter the room the lord of the morgue. He put my baby in his white crib. I had chosen and ordered a beautiful all pink cradle … I was proud of myself for the purchase …. now this little girl has to fit in that white box. The gentleman makes me condolences …. he tells me that he did not have the courage to look at her and he did everything his colleague. He says that “the little girl is in the church and if her family members want to see her they can” at that moment I have a kind of mental block ….. “I don’t know you talk to my husband about it“. After months I think back to the words of that gentleman …. an addition of a sentence on his part would have been enough ….” if you want to see you again, you are free to do so at any time “I would have been with you all the time …. I would have had the opportunity to kiss her, touch her, greet her …. and who knows maybe take a picture of her. Nothing! It’s all scheduled for 6.00 pm. My husband will arrive at the town cemetery ….. there it will be the priest who is waiting for him …. he will give the blessing and they will immediately have the burial.
At 5.00 pm my husband goes down to the church chapel. I go to the bedroom window and wait to see her. Here it is after half an hour, that white-white bar that stands out.
It looks like a bead in a huge shell. There is my little girl ….. and behind her dad in the car that accompanies her. He who was supposed to be behind a wheelchair, proud and proud ….. instead ….. he is behind a hearse that accompanies his daughter on her first and last journey home.
I am with my mother. I scream from the window ….. I LOVE YOU THEA …. MY LOVE I LOVE YOU. I kiss my hand hard and blow all the kisses I can ….. and then she disappears. Giuseppe says that as soon as he arrives in the village he sees the cemetery parking lot full of cars. He who on purpose had not said anything to anyone …. found himself in front of all our friends and acquaintances who were crying our little girl and holding white flowers. It was like a little funeral. The priest says “Little Thea Caterina, a flower that unfortunately could not bloom here on earth with her family … but that will blossom in the garden of the Lord ”. As soon as the blessing is over, many people come to the hospital to greet me. Finally my little men are coming too! Luca and Gero who seem serene. They ask for nothing. They hug and kiss me and only now that they see me they seem more children and fewer little men … My children.
On March 27, dad goes to the cemetery to bury you. They wanted to do everything yesterday for the blessing but they didn’t know they were doing that little funeral. Once again he has to go through everything alone because only today will they let me out of the hospital. Dad told me last night he saw you. Even if he used to say he didn’t want to … then he found the strength to look at you. I am happy for him …. and I thank God for giving him strength. He stroked your cheek. He told me that you are perfect and does not know why God did not want to give you to us.
The Gynecologist calls me and tells me he has to do the discharge sheet.
I go … he visits me …. he gives me the treatment of seleparin drops and stings to do at home. ” Come back in a month for a visit .”
Ok. Okay …. I say …. ” and now what should I do ?” ” Nothing !” was the answer. ” You have to get dressed and go home .” Ah.
All very easy, obviously.
They don’t tell me that I might feel discomfort and pain …. they don’t tell me there is a grieving process …. they don’t tell me that if I want I can speak to a psychologist. They don’t ask me what my family situation is like. Also to see if I have a family that supports me. They do not ask me if I am a believer and I can speak to the priest. In short, nothing!
I return to the room. I tell my mother we can go home. Let’s prepare what little we have. I had prepared a shirt and a cardigan and still had to put the jeans in the suitcase.
In the end I got dressed in the bathroom …. I look in the mirror ….. and I see myself all dressed in black. Not even if I did it on purpose. I am dressed in the color of my heart. I tell my husband to wait for me downstairs.
I leave that department …. without a spacecraft. With an empty belly. With empty arms. With a dull heart and tears running down his face.
I pass through that corridor, that hated corridor where my daughter was born under the covers. I leave that department that I divinized so much because for me …. pregnancy …. except for some ailments …. has always been lived with love and tranquility. The memory of Luca and Gero’s pregnancy, of their birth, was a miracle for me. Thea’s pregnancy, equally a miracle ….. but in the end …. it went as it went. Up to that moment going in there evoked wonderful memories ….. and my eyes took the shape of a little heart every time I entered those doors. The temple of my happiness.
I meet my husband in the parking lot and tell him …. ” please don’t take me to this place again “. We make the road in tears.
I walk the road my daughter walked the day before. We arrive at the cemetery ….. and there my heart bursts. This wasn’t the party I had in mind for you. These were not the gifts they were meant to bring you. I wanted to break that cold marble and get you out. What if you are cold? they forgot to put your bodysuit on …. At home my handsome little men are waiting for me and welcome me with a loud cry “MOM!” We hug. I imagined that moment ….. when I would return from the hospital with Thea. I imagined all my neighbors there at my house complimenting me on my little girl. Instead nothing. Only one lady came and said “Condolences!” What a bad word for the end of a pregnancy! I’m going upstairs … to our house. It’s all settled. There are no his clothes ….. there is no more spacecraft ….. the bow …. nothing. She is gone …. her clothes ….. everything.
I get on the bed and feel alone in the world.
